I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
