saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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