My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
