I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Randomize
