I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
