I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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