did you get engaged???
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
