The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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