She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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