Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
