I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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