Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
