I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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