I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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