I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
