I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
