also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
