just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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