my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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