I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
