Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I should be sponsored by Trojan
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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