P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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