Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
