In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
