if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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