I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
