i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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