at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
