Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
