Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
