he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
