I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
