I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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