i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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