'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
