Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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