A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
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