dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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