Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
