You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
