We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
