wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
