The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
