I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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