Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
