Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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