4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I think my fart just growled at me.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
