my phone needs a breathalizer
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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