chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
