I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
