Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Randomize
