I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I just gargled with NyQuil
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
