Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Randomize
